Damn. I am so bloody tired. Have been studying and studying and studying. Like a crazy hippo... Why? Cuz the EOYs are coming!!! It is gonna start from Monday all the way to Next Monday ( with the exemption of weekends). Everyone will finish their exams on Friday but i have an extra day cuz i take art. Super sick...

I don't even have any freaking idea on what to draw for art. The topic given is so vague and i simply can't come up with anything at all. I think i am gonna flunk everything. I cannot get any freaking formulaes into my hippo pea sized brain. I have been sucked dry of my brain juice! Argh! So pissed cuz i seem to be doing so much but yet i cannot remember all that i am supposed to. I swear that after my exams, if i see any single Chem, Physics, Amath and Emath questions, i am gonna blend it with milk and drink it. Ok... That seems gross. I shall blend it and force it down the throat of the person who showed me the question. Yes. That;s what i am gonna do.

I have no time to call anyone or do anything. I have'nt contacted Karina for about 2-3 weeks and i am gonna die. Feel sooooooooooooooo sorry towards her. The poor girl has been waiting for my call and attempting to call me, but i never seem to be around or to have any spare time. I am so sorry Karina!!!! I promise to call you asap. PROMISE!

I reckon i will be able to come on for the whole of the next week, cuz i will be mugging. Only by mugging and scoring, will i be able to get my "freedom" and my "rewards" after. I am gonna go off now cuz i am going out tomorrow- school in the morning, shopping for art stuff in the afternoon, mugging for the rest of the day...

Labels: I need an energy boost...

Had a real tiring day at school today... Had a lot of maths lessons and thinking of it currently makes my eyes wanna simply shut. Tomorrow, we still have maths ssp in the morning and gosh... I am SUPER TIRED!!! Plus, there is still some stupid concert in the esplanade at night that we have to go for... Zzzz...

Went to Jonehma's house today after school today. Met JK Rowling, Jason and Ck on the way to the Mrt. I could'nt see clearly due to the eye- blinding sunlight and felt grumpy due to the heat... But i could recognise them, so i guess it means that i have a little of a photographic memory... Crap...

Baked Chocolate chip cookies and i have to pass Kuang Jun his heart shaped cookie done by Yuting. So lovey dovey... Sigh... So jealous... Met up with Wei Ling to go to the post office as well as to the library to pass Roo and peeps their cookies... Wei Ling and Roo had to gang up against me to embarass me... Grrrr.... Haha. But it was funny and entertaining although i was the one embarassed. Roo was also embarassed today... Damn a** funny!!!

Wei Ling told me something that got me all happy again. Now i am stuck on whether to let go or not... I don't wanna, but i am advised to. Some things makes me wanna, while sometimes, it makes me wanna hold on... Argh!!! I am confused... I shall not think about it anymore for now...
Gotta sleep now cuz i have a long and packed day tomorrow... How i wish i can be like the little kids downstairs, playing with candles and lightsticks and lanterns... Super innocent fun...

Labels: i love ...

Yeah!!! Just came back home and roo is here beside me, singing to "Superman"~ Five for Fighting. I washed her hair for her just now ( she had her clothes on!!!) and she is like a cat~ Even a drop of water on her face or shirt gets her all screaming. I ended up looking like the one who got a bath.

When we were on the way home, we saw Stellaellaella jogging under the mrt track. This small girl is so damn determined and she really carries out what she says. I respect her for this hell lots! You go gal!

Roo bought me a meal today and come to think of it, it is sorta the first proper meal she bought me. Was supposed to study tomorrow with Stella cuz Roo has another study grp to go with. She asked me where i was going and so i replied: AMK Library. Then she started laughing out cuz guess what..... They are going there as well. Can't believe it!!! How on earth can it be so coincidential? Usually, i don't go to AmK Library cuz roo says she can't study there. And now, when i am going there without her, she is going with them. Arghhhhh.... But i don't really mind actually, until Stella heard that so many people will be there, she wants to study alone. I wanna slap all their eyeballs!!!! Haha...

And this paragraph goes out to Dominic.
I really don't know why you are angry with me... Can you please tell me??? I am really sorry for upsetting you... SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you not get angry at me please??? I am really sorry...

Had a long and tired day at school today, especially after taking the sucky medicines. Was trying to fight and withstand the sleepybug.

Manged to have time to chat with WeiLing after school today before HCL ssp and i really realised that i should stop it. I tore up the drawing. To tell the truth, i could'nt bear to do so and when i did it, i could feel my heart aching. Like really aching, really sour... It was seriously hurting. Tears almost rolled down my cheeks but as Yihang and Weiling and Yitong were present, i did not want to break down. In fact, WeiLing was the one who screamed when she realised i tore it and Yihang was also going like NOOOOOO!!!! When i walked home alone after sending Weiling home, i could'nt contain it anymore and BAM! Was tearing while walking and i felt so stupid as the Deyi Sec people were walking along the same pathway, i was trying so hard to look normal and breathe normally.

I figured out that only by doing so can i start to stop it. I may be contradicting myself, but i hope that i am doing the right thing.

Labels: I am moving on...

Firstly, i wanna wish Kor Woong a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! This darling girl was my friend since 4 years old and she is a darling to me too!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!

I had to continue to play host to my cousin today and i brought her to AMK Hub. Spent a lot of money just buying stuff, especially food... Saw the small Kim San Soon pig and decided to get it again as i think that having a large one as well as the small one is a very cute thing. Will prolly get roo to name it Junior Hope, but i know she would want it to be Junior JL. I bought new earrings, hairclips and a green pouch. As well as a skateboard keychain for Dom Tan. Don't ask me why i bought that keychain, cuz i also don't know why.

Then i left my cousin to go on her own as i went to meet Roo and Ck. I had to go to the doctor's and Roo accompanied me along. We then studied at Macs and now i am so tired...

And i really don't know what i want. I tried real hard to listen deep down, but i seriously have no idea. I like you. I know i do... But i don't wanna be a fool no more...

Labels: I needa know what i want...

Had a very busy day today!!! Woke up late for maths ssp today but still went to eat MACs with roo. It rained and i had a great time playing and splashing in the puddles. Roo even allowed me to splash her!!! I tried to teach her on how to tap in the puddles, but she just cannot do it. She does'nt understand how i could have fun in puddles and with rain... I guess only childlike people like me will enjoy such stuff.

Roo then went out shopping with Ck today and as for me, my cousin came out from Malaysia and i brought her around. But before that, i had to go to school for the mid-autumn thingy and KaiWen and i had to paint for everyone to see. It was fun! We talked a lot and i even joked with the VIP and the principal. Yingyin and Anthia also came to look for us after their duty and they painted ms Tay and we practically went crazy. Mr Poh also went crazy with me. I love my teachers!!! After the whole thing ended, Jiang lao shi rewarded us with chocolates. This made me love my teachers more! Oh, i also love KaiWen's mom. She is so fun and cool! I salute her!

I brought my cousin to the esplanade/ Singapore River. My sis, my cousin and i went out and only returned home at 12.30 am. I went around in my school uniform and this time, i did not give a damn about my behaviour. It is time for me to loosen up, get wild and try to stop thinking for at least some time. I sat at the bridge where everyone was walking and i did'nt give a damn that i was wearing my school unform. I had to do something for myself once in a while. Took hell lot of pictures and uploaded them on friendster. So go check them out if u wanna.

Telling the truth, i was thinking about it the whole day. Stuff WL told me did'nt help but made it worse. I am a stupid fool and i gotta stop. It is time to move on.

Labels: I got wild.

Have been busy this week. School reopened and we had lots to do. Mainly preparing fo the EOYs.



Really thought back on a lot of stuff and i went to listen to the songs i have not been listening to for quite some time. Am into the song ''Fall To Pieces'' by AvrilL as it really depicts what i am feeling.



I looked away

Then I look back at you

You try to say

The things you can't undo

If I had my way

I'd never get over you

Today's the day

I pray that we make it through

Make it through the fall

Make it through it all



And I don't wanna fall to pieces

I just want to sit and stare at you

I don't want to talk about it

And I don't want a conversation

I just want to cry in front of you

I don't want to talk about it

Cuz I'm in love with you



You're the only one

I'd be with till the end

When I come undone

You bring me back again

Back under the star

Back into your arms



And I don't wanna fall to pieces

I just want to sit and stare at you

I don't want to talk about it

And I don't want a conversation

I just want to cry in front of you

I don't want to talk about it

Cuz I'm in love with you



Wanna know who you are

Wanna know where to start

I wanna know what this means

Wanna know how you feel

Wanna know what is real

I wanna know everything, everythingI'm in love with you

Cuz I'm in love with you

And I'm in love with you

I'm in love with you



And I don't wanna fall to pieces

I just want to sit and stare at you

I don't want to talk about it

And I don't want a conversation

I just want to cry in front of you

I don't want to talk about it



And I don't wanna fall to pieces

I just want to sit and stare at you

I don't want to talk about it

And I don't want a conversation

I just want to cry in front of you

I don't want to talk about it

Cuz I'm in love with you

I'm in love with you

Cuz I'm in love with you

I'm in love with you

I'm in love with you



Kudos to Avril.



I have so much to say, so much to explain, but i am at a loss on how to portray my opinion. This seems to be the big problem i have. I can never seem to be able to get to the point through short and sweet sentences. And even if i managed to finish saying my sentences (usually after a very very long time), people seem to misunderstand what i am saying. I think i need to go for English classes. It does not help when i am already in a spot where i have to think of how to put my words across and by chasing me to speak faster and make it clear, I CAN"T DO IT! Argh... Never mind.

I think i am going crazy. Roo says i am going crazy. But i don't know... I don't know why i am reacting this way. To me, i think i am perfectly normal, but roo says otherwise. I think i gotta calm down and stop being hyper cuz she is getting pissed at me for being so hyper. But i am hyper cuz i am free in my thoughts, not becuz of **. I am sorry if my actions and words caused hurt to you in any sorta way...

Dom says lost love is better than unrequited love. I need help!!! I don''t know anything anymore... I am brainwashed.

I shall just be more mellow and calm and take each day as it comes. At least, in this way, people won't get angry with me anymore.

Labels: Sighs...

Have'nt been blogging for a few days already. Since i have the free time now, it's time to put that keyboard to work again.

Since roo says i don't paragraph, and it is difficult to read, i shall try to paragraph to allow her to read easily. She is granny roo~ therefore cannot read easily.

Anyway, I have been thinking about the question for days and have been getting everyone's opinion. It might seem kinda stupid and extra to some, but i certainly got a lot of inspiration eventually.

Orange Julia gave me the best piece of advice and i am greatly inspired by her. what she said does make a lot of sense. From this incident, i can conclude that getting advice from someone older but is still young, is a very good thing as it helps a lot.

The one week hols is over. I would say i spent my time doing stuff that i was supposed to but i also managed to get a break. It was time spent equivently. the only regret i have is that i did'nt get to sort my thoughts out clearly and i DID"NT CALL KARINA!!! ( To Karina: SORRY!!! But i still love ya! ) I was kinda sick during the hols and am down with tonsilitis. Kinda lost my voice due to the inflamed tonsils. As it was tiring me out, i took naps almost everyday, except for when i am not at home, and so was'nt able to call Karina, as by the time i wake up, it would be the wee hours in Australia.

Another thing, I CAN GO TO AUSTRALIA!!! My dad was kinda pleased with my performance during the hols as i sorta behaved myself, i guess... Yippee! I can visit karina!!! Super elated!!

School reopened today and everything's back to normal... Off to a fresh start today. In class, during Amaths, R, D and Y, passed their new set of "preserved ants" to me. I totally freaked out!!! It was not only disgusting, but also an act of cruelty. Imagine that 15 ants having to die just because they think it is fun to kill them like that. I know that they did'nt have the intention of killing them because they are sadists or what, but i think that every life on earth, be it an ant or a great white shark, they have the right to live on till they die. Hope that they can just stop it as although those ants irks me off, i feel so sorry for them that their life is just wasted like that.

Actually, there is nothing much happening so far. just that i have to start mugging for the EOYs and sort out my thoughts and come to a decision and move on. The rest, i shall leave it to fate... before i end, i shall leave a quote from whereby i translated from the chinese homework given by Ginger. It goes like this: " Don't wait for miracles to happen. Only by making your own miracles, will you succeed in getting them." Shall i make my miracle?

Labels: Do miracles happen?

I am back! Realised i've been blogging everyday for the past few days. It's a miracle, considering the fact that i laugh at Stella in the past about blogging excessively. I think i blog to vent frustrations and tell you all a secret, i blog cuz i love the sound of the keys when they are moving up and down under my fingers. haha... I am silly...
I think i am so dead now. My head is so hot and heavy. My eyes are so droopy, despite the fact that i took a long nap. I cannot taste anything or smell anything and my ears, neck and practically every part of my body is aching. I am running a fever and damn... Going to fall sick again... My nose is like a watertap and it just can't stop flowing. I think i just used up many trees due to the fact that i have to clear the "mess'' of what the tap is causing.
I am ok today. Went to school in the early morn for guzheng and the new song is so nice!!! After that, i went to AMK HUB with Stella and Camelia to study, or rather, do homework. Yesterday, i went out with mamaloo to orchard cineleisure to watch Secret and purchase pressies. I also managed to play mamaloo and even Chunkiat. I was lying to mamaloo 2 days ago, saying that FR and a korean guy will be coming along with us. Ok, perhaps i should start from the start. Mamaloo wanted this pig from the Korean drama serial, ''My Name is Kim San Soon." When we had tution that night, roo was so sad as there was no stock of the pig plushie anywhere we know of anymore. She was crying so badly for this and at that time, i had already actually reserved the pig from More Than Words. It was the last piece in stock. I could'nt bear to see roo crying but i wanted to give her a surprise so i actually managed to hide it from her.. Thats how the story of a Korean guy coming with us to the movies was formed. It was damn funny. I can actually prank someone!!! Mamaloo told Chunkiat about the outing and he also bought the story. Eventually when she knew that it was all only a lie, she was so shocked and the expression on her face was one in a million. Really comical looking. When we met up with CK at the end of the day, even after knowing that i gave the pig to roo as a surprise, he still asked, so hows the trip with the Korean guy. Haha... I think i am good. I actually managed to fool 2 people. Thats a great accomplishment as i have never been able to carry stuff like that out. I am sorry for making you cry for nothing but i guess it was all worth.
Before i end my post, i wanna wish CAMELIA and BEATRICE a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Labels: rush for art.

I am so troubled now... Many things are going through my mind now and i am at a loss of what to do. I am sorry if this post sounds emo...

I cannot help it. I cannot forget. I am falling deep. I thought it would be easier after such a long time, but no, i am wrong. It is getting trickier day by day. Know the feel of wanting something badly? It is a sucky feeling. All i want is to shut myself out but why can't i even have that? Went to watch secret today and the love portrayed was so sweet and innocent. Roo asked me to be like that lead actress and just ask openly. If only it was all so easy. I cannot do it... Dom also said, "No one's worth it. You only wait, because it's worth waiting, not because the person's worthy. Wait if you love, lose if you don't. Or you'll lose yourself... " I think i am losing myself cuz i don't know what to do...

Also, Girl, please... I am begging you... Don't give up. Don't go. I cannot bear to see or even hear you being so troubled. You know i feel so hopeless when i always cannot help you? I can only watch you by the side and see you suffer. I don't know what else to do. I pray sincerely for your life to be easier but here you are giving up. It hurts to see you give up. I have been trying so hard to change your perspective but to you, everything is still negative. I don't want the day to come. I don't want it nearing. I don't want it at all. Everytime you say that you are going, tears will start to well up and here i am shouldering your stress, there you are trying to escape. I am not reprimanding you, but i really don't know how to go about this anymore. Whatever i say, you will not listen. If you know you will let me down, then don't do it. You don't wanna drag * into this but it will in turn get me hurt. I don't know what to say anymore cuz you will never listen. And when you read this, your reply would be " Don't bother. Since you know i won't listen, which is really what i would do, you shall just carry on with your life and we will just end this here. No matter what you say, i will eventually not take in. I know it is unfair to you, but pls, i really cannot face up to the facts, the people around me, the society." Girl, saying sorry to me and feeling regretful towards me ain't gonna help matters. It will also not make me feel any better. Time can heal all wounds, but some wounds leave scars. Continuing will only add more stress to you and make you feel worse.

I wanna escape from everything. I don't wanna face up to anything. If i could, i wanna shut myself out as well. Relationships are hurting be it whatever the type is. I don't wanna feel anymore... I am better off alone...

Labels: tears are flowing

Omg! There's a big fugly brown roach in the room with me now!!! I am bringing the keyboard far away with me as if not, i will be very near to that friggin creature. The feeling now is like as if there are a million ants on me and i am practically squirming in my chair... I can see the long feelers feeling about and it is really gross. Although they are not as frightening as ants, they are equally frightening when near as their speed is much faster compared to an ant. THIS ONE CAN FLY!!! AND IT IS FRIGGIN NEAR! Can you imagine the amount of fear in me now? As i am typing, it is inching its way slowly downwards. I cannot concentrate as i have to look out for it. The last thing i would want now is for that "cute" xiao qiang to come near me. Man... I want my knight in shining armour to come help me grab it by its feelers and rid it by releasing it outside. HELP!!!!!!!
Meanwhile, while praying for the never going to happen to happen and for the happening to not happen, i shall blog about my day. Came out from Malaysia at around 1 plus and i slacked about as usual. Went on the internet to search for something and i could'nt get it as it was out of stock everywhere. Searched for about 1 hour and called 4 places. Beginning to get real pissed and sis was laughing at me for being so silly. Asked her to help me think of other alternatives but all she can do was mock at me. In the end, i also did'nt know how, a place came to mind and i decided to try it out for the last time. Sis was like saying maybe it might have what i am looking for, so "ta daa" i went to try and guess what? Whoo hoo. Perserverance does pay! Omg!!! That damn roach sprinted towards me and i jumped! Then it made a u-turn and headed out under the door. What a close shave. I HATE ROACHES! Anyway, as i was saying before i was interrupted by that brown live creature, ya, perserverance does pay and there was one last piece. 1 LAST PIECE!!!! How lucky can i be? Of course i tried to hide my excitement from the person over the phone but i failed like always. My voice went 5 octaves higher i guess and i was like " can i reserve that? I wanna reserve that. Please reserve that for me..." I think that lady on the receiver must be thinking this girl crazy. But can you imagine that feel of finally getting something for having searching so long? Its damn awesome! I am going to collect it tomorrow!!!
Had tuition today and when Julia came, i was screaming as i was running in the room to hide tofu doll. Hid it under the blankies and came out to open the door. I was telling Julia to not touch anything and Roo and Julia were laughing at me as i was so paranoid. Guess i really was comical to them. When we eventually passed her the doll, Julia was laughing like crazy. She behaved like a 3 year old toddler who has just gotten a pressie. Really cute and innocent. The letter was funnier as i wrote Orange Julia( Orange Julius). It was really kooky and childish but it made them laugh. Guess sometimes, its just these kiddy stuff that perks people and makes them laugh as it brings them away from the stressful Grownup society where things are no longer innocent and simple. So who says it is bad to be childish? haha!

Labels: Bananas

I am gonna go to malaysia later... It's not what i wanted but i am doing it for the sake of having to do so...
Went for maths ssp in the morning and met up with mamaloo. I think mamaloo is crazy. She is freaking out a lot ( when i say a lot, i mean hell loads) about her studies. Girl, don't fret. You are not stupid, just calm down and things will come naturally. Work hard but don't get stressed out! Wish you luck!
After that, i went out with Stella to AMK Hub. Supposedly supposed to go ice-skating but due to the fact that there will be two schools there today, we decided to not squeeze with the crowd. Bought earrings today and i bought banana earrings!!! Love it loads... Bananas are significant to me. Kept thinking about uh hmm today due to the strong influence of stella and strawberries... Damn... Went to NEBO cafe to eat and slack and chit chat. I relived the moment...
Don't think i can go to Aus anymore and am really sad about it. You say you don't lie but what are you doing now? Damn you... Can only hope that things might change...
Really tired. Don't feel like going in later. What can i do? I guess i can only flow along unwillingly...

Labels: Thoughts keep coming back.

Am so damn freaking bored... The two irritating freaks are finally gone. Peace at last. Just cannot help but to wonder if i should really cut all strings attached just so i can have a happier life... Argh. Whatever. Anyway, did i say i am bored? Well saying it again does'nt inflict harm therefore I AM BORED! Listening to MCR's I DON"T LOVE YOU and wonders when can i ever really feel this way. Fell in love with the song I"LL BE YOUR LOVE by Nicole from PCD. That song is great!!! Love it lots! Gosh... Am so bored that i am talking about songs... Haha... Lazing around the house like a sloth... Folding a lot of straw hearts... Think i am going nuts... Waiting for Anthia to come online to send me the pics we took yesterday... TTFN.

Labels: Love...

Ms Ilan got married today!!!
Went out at 4pm to cityhall to meet Anthia, Jonehma and Jackson. Went to eat at New York and i ate the mudpie which was heavenlicious. Walked to the Esplande/Singapore river to relax as we had some spare time. It was real relaxing as the sea breeze was blowing and kissing us gently on our faces. It felt real romantic. Took the train to Eunos next and waited for 2 other guys before we take bus 15 to someplace in the world where i did'nt even know existed. Walked along Roxy hotel and it was so ulu... Reached the temple and we saw the sign stating that no footwear allowed and naturally as law abiders, we took off our shoes. When we walked up to the multi-purpose hall, we then realised that everyone wore shoes and we felt so dumb, so Anthia and Jackson went down to help retrieve our shoes. Saw many people there and Ms Ilan's husband was sitting on the stage. When ms Ilan entered the hall , she looked so gorgeous and happy. I could actually see the radiance on her face although she wore a veil. Guess this is how a woman who is indulging in love looks like.
Had to rush home as problems at home cropped up. Anthia was so super nice and she sent me home.

I really don't know what on earth you want from me. I don't know what i am doing wrong. You only want people to listen to you. You say something but you act the opposite. I am sick and tired of all your nonsense. To you, i am wanting my way. Taking and not giving. But to me, its just what i am all along. You are making life difficult for me. I don't wanna carry on this way. Others can go on being happy 15 year olds. I however, can only act according to what you want me to be. I have so much to say, but i don't know how to put it across. Sometimes i just cannot help but to hope that you will leave me alone. Perhaps this way, i will have an easier life where i am free on my own. Maybe breaking away from you is the best thing to do as i don't have to bother nor worry. I can never put my mind to ease when i am out with my friends till you give me the sign to go, but you are not satisfied. Perhaps it is my fault. I am rebellious and selfish. I don't give a damn. Perhaps being that way is better and easier. I am not going to give a damn anymore. I finally figured it out, i am better off alone...

Labels: Not giving a damn anymore...